Many of you know that I started a ‘journey’ to becoming a teacher a couple of years ago. I felt this would be achievable by studying online, and as it’s something I’ve wanted to do practically my whole life (right, mum?!) I knew I had finally found a topic I wanted to study with all of my heart.
So, this week when I got the news that I had yet again failed a subject that had previously given me grief I was beyond devastated. I was upset, angry, sad, cranky-any emotion that evokes a feeling of failure (except for the acceptance ones, which I’ll get to in a moment).
I have been studying online for the past couple of years, and it has mostly been a success. I can’t say it’s been an easy path, and it’s definitely not been my favourite mode of study, but I’ve tried to make it work. I tend to be an over achiever, and someone who hates to be wrong (smiles sweetly at my dear husband!!!) so of course admitting that this may not be the way to succeed in my studies has been a long and arduous road.
Failing this particular course (which I was seriously certain I understood!!!) has bought out many questions of why, what, and where am I supposed to go in life?! I know that one failure can’t break us, but it’s just came at a time of vulnerability and self-doubt. I spent the last couple of days cranky and upset, and trying not to over-think the situation. Tutor emails back and forth left me with no hope of a pass, so what’s done is done. I’ve finally realised that just because they don’t think I know what I’m doing, I KNOW what I’m doing and I won’t let them bring me down.
Failure, as such, is such a funny thing, not in the ha-ha sense, but in the ironic sense. Everyone was very quick to jump on to me and tell me that I can do it, and that I’m not a failure and that I’ll be okay. Being someone who often does that to others, I get that. I understand that. Most of all, I appreciate all of the people who were willing to push my negativity and shower me with positive words, in a time when I just saw grey everywhere. I know I’m not dumb. I know I’m not stupid. I just hate that a mark on a paper can show that I wasn’t able to grasp something at the time.
So… what was I to do about it?! Yesterday was the annual book-week book parade at Mr6’s school. They also had open classrooms in the morning. I have previously gone and helped in the classroom, but studying had pulled me away from that. When I was in the classroom, seeing the kids doing their work, the structure of it, how they behaved and interacted with me… I just knew. I knew it was my true calling. I knew I’d be happy in the classroom. And I knew it was time to let the sadness and anger have it’s time and be gone.
What are my options? Well, I can continue to study online, but I honestly have struggled with balancing it with life/house/family and I just don’t think it’s working for me. When my children are asking if I can finish ‘studying’ so I can play with them, I know there is some serious questionability about whether I’m doing more harm than good with this mode. There are many good schools in my area, so I’ve gone ahead and signed up for some uni open days and am going to investigate going on-campus next year. I’ll only have 1 child left at home as we send Miss4 into the big world of Kindy next year, so I’m hoping it’s going to be a viable option. My youngest will be 3, and I’m still trying to figure out how we’ll coordinate child care, but I must remember to stop over-thinking and let that happen when it happens.
Like I said earlier, I have wanted to be a teacher since I was young (amongst wanting to be a park ranger, an actress, a Play School presenter!!), and this to me, feels like my purpose beyond being a mum, wife, and house manager. So with all the sadness and anger having ‘left the building’ wish me luck as I embark on the next step of this education journey!!!! If you have any advice, please, please don’t hold back, anything that can help me succeed (remember, I hate failure!!!). Also, I believe that we must want something to really go after it. This is what I’m planning on doing. I’m going after it!!!!!
If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for reading! I know it was a long one!
P.S You know how I joined a gym?? Well since then, I haven’t been able to go *cries*. I ended up with Influenza and a chest infection, which I was treated for, however I didn’t feel any better in my chest, and was struggling to breathe, so I just went back to the doctor and the chest infection has turned into bronchitis. I am so ready to get over the sickness and get back into the fitness. I need that happy mind state back!!!!!! Has anyone had to get over an ‘illness/injury’ hurdle? Any advice?